SAO PAULO- At the usual post-match confrontation of the Unspeakable and the Unimpressable, the jaded UK press corps were for once silenced as, after their defeat to Uruguay, disappointed England captain Steven ‘Stevie’ Gerrard finally admitted what so many had feared for so long.
“Yes, I am cursed,” announced Gerrard, ‘I am tormented by an evil succubus who demands that I concede possession to the opposition in dangerous areas of the field.” He paused. “And It’s all about possession, eh?”
His attempt at a diabolical joke fell flat as the assembled hacks, some of them considering sobriety, continued to throw tough questions his way. Some asked was this why he had never left Liverpool. Others asked why he stayed when big offers had come his way. One questioned why he didn’t stay close to Lodeiro before the first goal.
The answer was a surprise.
“I am a acolyte of the Egyptian falcon God Horus whose lair is deep within Liverpool’s Williamson Tunnels. If I should stray from his domain for longer than the usual trip abroad for a European tie or an England qualifier, my tongue will be cut out and my entrails torn from my torso and fed to the youth team,” announced Gerrard to gasps of horror, “Three weeks in Brazil is making him unhappy. My luck is failing. Just like it did against Chelsea. And against France in the Euros. Can I stop listing them now?”
When it was suggested Gerrard stayed at Liverpool after a nasty incident where criminals had threatened his family, the England captain was adamant.
“No. No. No. It was evil gods that kept me at Liverpool long enough to be an important component of the Brendan Rogers era. Not gangsters,” the veteran captain explained, “Doesn’t German comedian [pause for laugh] Henning Wehn look just like Brendan though?”
“It isn’t just me,” yelped Gerrard as a man with a syringe full of elephant tranquilliser sneaked up on him, “Gary and Jags were f****************ng hopeless, too.”
Behind the beleaguered captain, Roy Hodgson could be seen smiling at nothing, with a chicken under one arm, a Gillette five blade razor in his free hand and a face that said ‘Let’s stop this madness!…. With witchcraft!’
Supernatural activity has been unusually high during this world cup, with undead Dutchman Arjen Robben impressing and blood-crazed vampyre Luis Suarez recovering from a knee operation to star for plucky little Uruguay.